things have changed.

literally, things.

car drives. horn doesn't work. but i have become rather creative in the expression of my anger. phone functions. computer is perfect. out of the modular and into the womb of a large, green mother home. 13 dollar desk, 15 dollar coffee table, a lamp...

but that's beside the point.

i am feeling so many things. rediscovering so many long gone ( or so i thought) parts of myself. a spiritual urge, the joy of listening to foo fighters, the disgust stimulated by most human beings (including myself, generally)... essentially, most aspects of the happy loner that i was for the majority of my childhood. it's hard to swallow when there are such radically different expectations from those around me, but the key word in the latter statement was happy. i am most happy when lost in my brain with my thoughts and my music, my weird obsessions and compulsions. i have found that the people around me are lonely, sad, depressed, and trying, trying so hard, to change those aspects of their lives with new people and cool interests and a variety of random techniques that i just don't have the heart to tell them will never work. not that i am a sage, but i have lived enough life to know that suppression of that sort is more painful than the only cure - quiet acceptance and then enjoyment of the life that is there.

don't i sound like a hippie douchebag.

starchyapple.

went to new york. initially, it rained. however, everything soon became shiny and warm and nice. it was an overall pleasant experience. i dont think i really spoke to anyone, despite the amount of words i managed to string together. i wanted to talk to carol, cali and maybe brad. no cigar. 

my heart is breaking for the wrongly accused and the mistaken.

if i lived in the city, i would enjoy thinking on the subway.

i always forget that i am a freak and free time makes me think too much and then i end up crying about silly, imaginary situations and turn into a puddle of pathetic.

i hate it, but i have learned to sit quietly and wait all things out.

fuck me.

may 22.

there have been so many people and things and so much love, recently. this week has been immensely enjoyable thus far, and carol is about to make an appearance, which i have been awaiting for months, and that will feel really really good.

next week will bring boredom and work and exercise and routine.

i am kind of looking forward to that a bit as well. 

whatever, summer is cool.

i feel like everyone is wrong about everything lately. it annoys me. thats why i have stopped giving advice and am trying my darnest to stop accidently asking for it. no one listens, no one knows what they want or what they are doing, and no one really cares about anything or anyone but themselves and their petty little experiences.

i am a bitch.

one minute

turns into two and so on. the recurrence relation is defined by the non recursive formula of life(at any given moment) = minutes factorial divided by everything that came before and multiplied by the constant of tomorrow.

near constant. near perfect. eventually, i suppose it has to end.
i have been studying too much. the final final is in a few hours, and i am ready. the others have already been divided out. the quotient is appearing to be a 4.0, but that is something that was once exciting and is now merely expected ( no pressure or anything...). i am excited to be done. to have a summer full of four hour work days and weekends open for travel and adventure and friends. unlike most of the people in my life, i am not on any mission to seduce or mystify. i am just excited for the chance to live my own life, not one ruled by the math department and the office and kent state.

things i want to do:

read
go to the movies
watch movies ( alex and kyle have alredy made promises)
buy a new computer ( unlikely)
learn c++
visit all of the kids ( specifically : CAROL, ashanti, cali, wendy, david, kathy, matt)
drink ALOT ( 21 in 5 days!)
rock the summer classes ( not starting till july 20th, so thats good)
memorize crucial sums ( cause i'm cool like dat)
paint
get a tan (unlikely)
get into shape (more likely than the former)
write some ditties
........quit smoking ( haha, i dont know why i even bother to put this down, but i would LIKE to accomplish this)
hang with the fam
go rockclimbing

... and stuff.

yeah.

math 47011 Sample Exam Solutions

i am going to start going for things. 

its stupid to sit frozen by embarrassment or fear or just plain laziness.

sadly, i am an insecure, cowardly, and very very unmotivated person. 

but here is to adjusting all of that.

oh, and

its may! finally. and i can't stop listening to judas priest.

stranger things have happened.

no experience required.

i cleaned out my car and discovered 12 long lost lighters, including my neon green one with the scorpion. too much has happened lately, no one is around for me to tell. too much is happening to the people that are not around as well, and i am not around to hear.  its as if everyone i love is contained in a clear vacuum and we can see each other and wave and let each other know if we are happy or sad with extreme exaggerations of smiles or tears, but we cannot sit and hold each other's hands and say it will be fine, that life goes on, it plummets forward, and the sky continues its daily changes and that the laughter will come back. 

'fucking sucks' is the appropriate term.

received your letter! attempting to fix my car! finals in a week! can't wait to visit! i feel fat!

brad sent a weird text! a new strange person might be in love with me! etc!

shouts concealing murmurs.

i will put it in a letter, i promise.

butttt... I CLEANED MY CAR!

annnnnnd i'm back.

after months of snow boots, wind induced tears and rain soaked hoodies, it has finally arrived: the most summer like of springs. and, oh course, us kent kids cannot handle the first day of warmth.

yesterday was spectacular. a beautiful day full of walks and water and barbecue and music and climbing trees.then a night of beer and watching the kids on college street gather around in a spartan way and sacrifice whatever they could find ( furniture, branches, cups) into a fire that engulfed the street. 

it was a scene out of a movie. then the phone calls and instant alerts. my mother was worried to tears and our president was apparently disappointed at the fact that helicopters and police from every surrounding city had to be summoned.

but hey, we're finally awake.

blank.

deactivated facebook, because hopefully i can manage to have friends without it.

got some A's this week, but another B. ah, well. should fare alright in the end. 

now i am going to do my laundry, clean my room and finish my homework.

no sleep, alcohol, or other enjoyable activities to come over the next few weeks.

i am tired of people making assumptions about me. 

so tired of it that i am too tired to correct them.

i think this is the actual definition of self-fulfilling prophecy.

other thoughts:

house is a good show.

caryn passed her review! i knew she would and i am very proud and excited.

i dropped my education classes, because i don't need to be taught child management skills or how to make an effective power point. also, i want options and continually evolving brain connections.

allergies, suddenly.

lack of motivation, positive perception, or empathy.

i don't feel like myself, but it's around that time of year.

annoying:

spoiled passive-aggressive attention seeking compulsive liars who refuse to buy their own cigarettes.

and no one sees it.

but i digress ( and regression is futile).

today was average, tomorrow might be better. pondered the dissonance and/or combinations that would occur if you graphed the blinks of one turn signal vs. another. sometimes they match, sometimes they don't... very interesting. the light was red for a while.

people are disgusting me lately. my trust is waning, and so quickly. i have more than i need, i know. but it makes me sad that disappointment is SUCH a constant.

it's sunny right at this moment, though. finally.

i am discouraged,

but plowing ahead, i guess.

burger king to soothe the soul.

this is not what i wanted to post.

i wrote a blog about the eeriest thing, but it wouldn't let me post it and the inspiration has slipped.

just recall the siren, and the silence among all that chaos, and the flashing lights in the foreground of the blandest of skies.

this week was ridiculous. less than a month to go.

one of my professors brought a tiny little kitten to class today. he found her while he was driving, squealing on the side of the road next to the roadkill that was once her mommy. so tiny and precious. we touched nose and she purred. first week in the world, i wish i could remember.

head overflowing

and i was rushing, just an in and out sort of thing. grab a coat to shield from the rain, maybe an apple, maybe finish that cigarette, what the hell IS the power set of a power set of a power set of the nullset, did i leave my window down, that sort of thing and then, through the door, and utter calm.

hello ashanti!

it's nice, so many surprises this little holiday brought. i would have never thought.

easter.

everyone is off at church or work or hunting for eggs (sam), or what have you.

i am alone on the couch, contemplating the past few days and severely fucking up my homework.

cigarette.

i wonder which aspects of my life would be different if my family was into holidays, or church, or anything other than the common thread of parties. we are all social, but not really amongst one another, and we are all caring, but never on the days that society tells us we are supposed to be. i like that aspect of my family now. we love and have fun at our own leisure. i did not like it when i was younger and constantly attending other people's family functions, with the huge dinner parties and eighth uncles twice removed laughing heartily with some cousin or another. seemed nice, still does. makes me want to be a part of a large family when i am married and what not, if that is in store for me.

meg and i spoke of this, recently. she called, we chatted. it had been a while. she is no longer pursuing becoming a doctor because she wants time to settle and love and live ( at least, thats what i got out of her words). i suppose this is a large aspect of why i am into this whole teaching thing, but i expressed my fear of finding myself somewhere i don't want to be, wishing i was doing something else.  because i don't know what my life is supposed to be about ( but who does, right?) or how i am supposed to live it. living with caryn and sam makes me ache a little sometimes, because i am absolutely jealous of the fact that they have something creative to do daily. i understand growing tired of it, of course, but i miss that part of my life. maybe i am supposed to be a city somewhere, doing something ridiculous.  i have expressed this often,  so i guess none of this is anything new. 

but then there is music. its not a relation thing for me, not ever. mostly because i find relativity in too many things, and they are often just intricate twists of mind, so i have stopped trusting myself to make the proper connection. but the right sound, it soothes me. hangs my brain out to air out, so to say. alot of the things that i enjoy involve that particular feeling. like being around kyle and brett, who just make me laugh and  feel astonishingly clear-minded and happy.  of course, we have a real connection, and we can discuss reality, but i love them dearly for the fact that they make my reality healthier and stronger.

speaking of brett ( and while i am rambling), he makes me sad. he is doing so well, and yet has all of this unnecessary pressure. and i can't relate, or offer advice or say anything of relevance, really. makes me feel shitty to leave him so alone in his head. i wish that he could see what kyle has gone through in the past couple of months as a direct result of his release from a relationship with an amazing blonde person. all of his tales and adventures and little rendezvous that have occurred over the past few months began essentially post-breakup. i don't know if he noted it, but i did, and i grinned from ear to ear. nice to see someone, especially kyle, plow full speed ahead.

speaking of which ( and continuing this ramble), i am in need of some movement as well. the clay chapter has gently and surely come to a complete halt, finally, as of this weekend. it's nice to have no harsh feeling OR physical desire ( which probably came from the fact that there were never really either harsh or passionate feelings). i would love to be there for him, but seeing him through non-romantic, platonic eyes revealed that he has become a far colder and shut off individual, and that's heartbreaking. maybe it's the drugs, or his family stuff, or whatever. but he seems impenetrable, and i think that i have finally accepted that none of that is in any way my fault.

cigarette.

i have no motivation, but many things to do.

glad i got all of this out.

our lives are fractions of a whole

i believe that i have just realized that i am midspin here. from several years ago, i have rotated approximately 175 degrees. i am happy, i have (for the most part) let things slip out of mind/memory/consciousness, school is going along as it should. yet, lately, i am growing more and more concerned at the thought of rotating further and, perhaps, completing a full circle. i know that place isn't the same as when i left ( in tears, shamefully and cowardly), and i will not return to that state of mind as the 17 or so year old that i was. but i am both afraid of and looking forward to the impulses and ideas  that are slowly being taken out of storage in my brain, dusted off and on display somewhere in the back. eventually, there will be illumination and concentration and i know that i will most likely spiral in that direction. hopefully, the timing will be correct. i worry about the transient nature of  stability, and then i worry about why i worry about stability, since it has never really been a true concern. i kind of miss being a little fucked up, occasionally. i always remember that its a part of me, and that i have grown ( by some miraculous action of the universe) into an individual who  can,  for the most part, handle and understand themselves. but things have a tendency of turning around, and there are always consequences. maybe those are what freak me out. too many close calls and bad calls. i am glad to have had  them, but it would feel beautiful to feel beautiful and free. i miss that shimmering irreverence.

i am slightly drunk, still.

a list of things

- quit smoking ( QUIT!)

- exercise more

- eat less meat ( addict. blame the russian genes.)

- eat breakfast ( cereal disgusts me. so does yogurt. and milk.)

- sleep regularly ( the constant struggle)

- draw

- find healthy destressors ( my current ones are either slightly illegal or morally corrupt)

- save more money

-               relax.

'easter is the new christmas'

"Like you,  I'm sane and live at the edge of things,

Countryside flooded with light,

Sundown,

the chaos of future mornings just over the ridge, but not here yet."

beautiful words while my two beautiful roommates are asleep on the couches. 

caryn, in her usual  manner, curled up so tiny and compact, hair fanned everyplace (for once), lost in pink sheets. sam is snoring. other than that, and the clinking of my keyboard, its quiet and dark and kind of mysterious. well, as mysterious and quiet as trailers off main have capacity for.

no one has made me laugh in a long time ( well... days, maybe). my face is sad about this.

but there is snow! which is cold and wet and awful, but so perfect for  cigarette beneath(e) a precipice, no? i secretly love it. and cs lab. shh.

akron art

marvelous venture.

i forget too often how beautiful things get me going. we went for a photo exhibit, but i snuck in a few moments of drooling over some gloriously applied paint. mmm.

and more records, because i have an addiction.

other things i am addicted to:

nicotine, caffeine free clear soda, caffeine.

paradoxical, that bit.

op, someone is at the door.

a parting gift: