annnnnnd i'm back.

after months of snow boots, wind induced tears and rain soaked hoodies, it has finally arrived: the most summer like of springs. and, oh course, us kent kids cannot handle the first day of warmth.

yesterday was spectacular. a beautiful day full of walks and water and barbecue and music and climbing trees.then a night of beer and watching the kids on college street gather around in a spartan way and sacrifice whatever they could find ( furniture, branches, cups) into a fire that engulfed the street. 

it was a scene out of a movie. then the phone calls and instant alerts. my mother was worried to tears and our president was apparently disappointed at the fact that helicopters and police from every surrounding city had to be summoned.

but hey, we're finally awake.

blank.

deactivated facebook, because hopefully i can manage to have friends without it.

got some A's this week, but another B. ah, well. should fare alright in the end. 

now i am going to do my laundry, clean my room and finish my homework.

no sleep, alcohol, or other enjoyable activities to come over the next few weeks.

i am tired of people making assumptions about me. 

so tired of it that i am too tired to correct them.

i think this is the actual definition of self-fulfilling prophecy.

other thoughts:

house is a good show.

caryn passed her review! i knew she would and i am very proud and excited.

i dropped my education classes, because i don't need to be taught child management skills or how to make an effective power point. also, i want options and continually evolving brain connections.

allergies, suddenly.

lack of motivation, positive perception, or empathy.

i don't feel like myself, but it's around that time of year.

annoying:

spoiled passive-aggressive attention seeking compulsive liars who refuse to buy their own cigarettes.

and no one sees it.

but i digress ( and regression is futile).

today was average, tomorrow might be better. pondered the dissonance and/or combinations that would occur if you graphed the blinks of one turn signal vs. another. sometimes they match, sometimes they don't... very interesting. the light was red for a while.

people are disgusting me lately. my trust is waning, and so quickly. i have more than i need, i know. but it makes me sad that disappointment is SUCH a constant.

it's sunny right at this moment, though. finally.

i am discouraged,

but plowing ahead, i guess.

burger king to soothe the soul.

this is not what i wanted to post.

i wrote a blog about the eeriest thing, but it wouldn't let me post it and the inspiration has slipped.

just recall the siren, and the silence among all that chaos, and the flashing lights in the foreground of the blandest of skies.

this week was ridiculous. less than a month to go.

one of my professors brought a tiny little kitten to class today. he found her while he was driving, squealing on the side of the road next to the roadkill that was once her mommy. so tiny and precious. we touched nose and she purred. first week in the world, i wish i could remember.

head overflowing

and i was rushing, just an in and out sort of thing. grab a coat to shield from the rain, maybe an apple, maybe finish that cigarette, what the hell IS the power set of a power set of a power set of the nullset, did i leave my window down, that sort of thing and then, through the door, and utter calm.

hello ashanti!

it's nice, so many surprises this little holiday brought. i would have never thought.

easter.

everyone is off at church or work or hunting for eggs (sam), or what have you.

i am alone on the couch, contemplating the past few days and severely fucking up my homework.

cigarette.

i wonder which aspects of my life would be different if my family was into holidays, or church, or anything other than the common thread of parties. we are all social, but not really amongst one another, and we are all caring, but never on the days that society tells us we are supposed to be. i like that aspect of my family now. we love and have fun at our own leisure. i did not like it when i was younger and constantly attending other people's family functions, with the huge dinner parties and eighth uncles twice removed laughing heartily with some cousin or another. seemed nice, still does. makes me want to be a part of a large family when i am married and what not, if that is in store for me.

meg and i spoke of this, recently. she called, we chatted. it had been a while. she is no longer pursuing becoming a doctor because she wants time to settle and love and live ( at least, thats what i got out of her words). i suppose this is a large aspect of why i am into this whole teaching thing, but i expressed my fear of finding myself somewhere i don't want to be, wishing i was doing something else.  because i don't know what my life is supposed to be about ( but who does, right?) or how i am supposed to live it. living with caryn and sam makes me ache a little sometimes, because i am absolutely jealous of the fact that they have something creative to do daily. i understand growing tired of it, of course, but i miss that part of my life. maybe i am supposed to be a city somewhere, doing something ridiculous.  i have expressed this often,  so i guess none of this is anything new. 

but then there is music. its not a relation thing for me, not ever. mostly because i find relativity in too many things, and they are often just intricate twists of mind, so i have stopped trusting myself to make the proper connection. but the right sound, it soothes me. hangs my brain out to air out, so to say. alot of the things that i enjoy involve that particular feeling. like being around kyle and brett, who just make me laugh and  feel astonishingly clear-minded and happy.  of course, we have a real connection, and we can discuss reality, but i love them dearly for the fact that they make my reality healthier and stronger.

speaking of brett ( and while i am rambling), he makes me sad. he is doing so well, and yet has all of this unnecessary pressure. and i can't relate, or offer advice or say anything of relevance, really. makes me feel shitty to leave him so alone in his head. i wish that he could see what kyle has gone through in the past couple of months as a direct result of his release from a relationship with an amazing blonde person. all of his tales and adventures and little rendezvous that have occurred over the past few months began essentially post-breakup. i don't know if he noted it, but i did, and i grinned from ear to ear. nice to see someone, especially kyle, plow full speed ahead.

speaking of which ( and continuing this ramble), i am in need of some movement as well. the clay chapter has gently and surely come to a complete halt, finally, as of this weekend. it's nice to have no harsh feeling OR physical desire ( which probably came from the fact that there were never really either harsh or passionate feelings). i would love to be there for him, but seeing him through non-romantic, platonic eyes revealed that he has become a far colder and shut off individual, and that's heartbreaking. maybe it's the drugs, or his family stuff, or whatever. but he seems impenetrable, and i think that i have finally accepted that none of that is in any way my fault.

cigarette.

i have no motivation, but many things to do.

glad i got all of this out.