things have changed.

literally, things.

car drives. horn doesn't work. but i have become rather creative in the expression of my anger. phone functions. computer is perfect. out of the modular and into the womb of a large, green mother home. 13 dollar desk, 15 dollar coffee table, a lamp...

but that's beside the point.

i am feeling so many things. rediscovering so many long gone ( or so i thought) parts of myself. a spiritual urge, the joy of listening to foo fighters, the disgust stimulated by most human beings (including myself, generally)... essentially, most aspects of the happy loner that i was for the majority of my childhood. it's hard to swallow when there are such radically different expectations from those around me, but the key word in the latter statement was happy. i am most happy when lost in my brain with my thoughts and my music, my weird obsessions and compulsions. i have found that the people around me are lonely, sad, depressed, and trying, trying so hard, to change those aspects of their lives with new people and cool interests and a variety of random techniques that i just don't have the heart to tell them will never work. not that i am a sage, but i have lived enough life to know that suppression of that sort is more painful than the only cure - quiet acceptance and then enjoyment of the life that is there.

don't i sound like a hippie douchebag.

starchyapple.

went to new york. initially, it rained. however, everything soon became shiny and warm and nice. it was an overall pleasant experience. i dont think i really spoke to anyone, despite the amount of words i managed to string together. i wanted to talk to carol, cali and maybe brad. no cigar. 

my heart is breaking for the wrongly accused and the mistaken.

if i lived in the city, i would enjoy thinking on the subway.

i always forget that i am a freak and free time makes me think too much and then i end up crying about silly, imaginary situations and turn into a puddle of pathetic.

i hate it, but i have learned to sit quietly and wait all things out.

fuck me.

may 22.

there have been so many people and things and so much love, recently. this week has been immensely enjoyable thus far, and carol is about to make an appearance, which i have been awaiting for months, and that will feel really really good.

next week will bring boredom and work and exercise and routine.

i am kind of looking forward to that a bit as well. 

whatever, summer is cool.

i feel like everyone is wrong about everything lately. it annoys me. thats why i have stopped giving advice and am trying my darnest to stop accidently asking for it. no one listens, no one knows what they want or what they are doing, and no one really cares about anything or anyone but themselves and their petty little experiences.

i am a bitch.

one minute

turns into two and so on. the recurrence relation is defined by the non recursive formula of life(at any given moment) = minutes factorial divided by everything that came before and multiplied by the constant of tomorrow.

near constant. near perfect. eventually, i suppose it has to end.
i have been studying too much. the final final is in a few hours, and i am ready. the others have already been divided out. the quotient is appearing to be a 4.0, but that is something that was once exciting and is now merely expected ( no pressure or anything...). i am excited to be done. to have a summer full of four hour work days and weekends open for travel and adventure and friends. unlike most of the people in my life, i am not on any mission to seduce or mystify. i am just excited for the chance to live my own life, not one ruled by the math department and the office and kent state.

things i want to do:

read
go to the movies
watch movies ( alex and kyle have alredy made promises)
buy a new computer ( unlikely)
learn c++
visit all of the kids ( specifically : CAROL, ashanti, cali, wendy, david, kathy, matt)
drink ALOT ( 21 in 5 days!)
rock the summer classes ( not starting till july 20th, so thats good)
memorize crucial sums ( cause i'm cool like dat)
paint
get a tan (unlikely)
get into shape (more likely than the former)
write some ditties
........quit smoking ( haha, i dont know why i even bother to put this down, but i would LIKE to accomplish this)
hang with the fam
go rockclimbing

... and stuff.

yeah.

math 47011 Sample Exam Solutions

i am going to start going for things. 

its stupid to sit frozen by embarrassment or fear or just plain laziness.

sadly, i am an insecure, cowardly, and very very unmotivated person. 

but here is to adjusting all of that.