In Early Spring

Today a man
asked me if I were depressed,
and I looked up and smiled.
No more than these geese or catkins
as light falls around them, no
more than those pine boughs
lifting in the wind—just so,
life goes on.

jazmine beidleman

at work, avoiding all eye contact.
i am attempting to work my way out of feeling perpetually obligated to those who simply don't want to be alone. i don't mind feeling insignificant if it is a one to one correspondence. but sometimes i can't tell and then it is too late. they are superficially attached and i am completely annoyed and unsatisfied with the overall friendship experience.

a list of things:

birthday(s)
A WEDDING!
new york
new home
kitty cat


prelude: six weeks of hell.

bijective.

linear transformation, is a tiny chunk of what i will be tested over the day that everything will change for at least one person in my life.

i wish it were just the second bit, i am good at that.

its linearity  that  is difficult to maintain.

i cannot stop listening to guns n' roses.

today i read something very enjoyable and cool. it made a picture in my head.

if i have time, i will draw it and then give it to my friend.

i have lost my words, but only for now, and mostly because my eye is going to fall out of its socket and roll away and that makes me nervous. it would be awful to go blind now. although, i am fairly fucking excellent at touching things. especially dirty things that i find laying around.

also, i just don't care that much about sharing, except for sometimes.

that sure doesnt sound vague.

 i had a really good weekend. 

warm ambitions...

... are quite contrary to spring time needs. however, i have let myself trip and fall, unabashedly and quite purposefully, into these here ides. sure, i should beware, and i am. but i have worked too hard, with little reward, to let these beautiful days of friends and sun and laughter pass me up. so glad to have you, carol kyle brett jack lenny. so glad to see you. to talk to you and gasp for breath from your impeccable wit and ridiculous tales. i wish i let myself fall into these things more often. between you and i, there is a love i love to love and live and let live.

carol is leaving. i hope she does it up, all the way with no regrets or hesitation.

i have found the latter leads to the former more often then in any other organization of the thoughts.

i do, have, and will miss you dearly sweet friend. but this is no desertion! its an exploration. a journey! and i anticipate gifts from all those mysterious lands.

and now, math.