i always forget that i am a freak and free time makes me think too much and then i end up crying about silly, imaginary situations and turn into a puddle of pathetic.

i hate it, but i have learned to sit quietly and wait all things out.

fuck me.

may 22.

there have been so many people and things and so much love, recently. this week has been immensely enjoyable thus far, and carol is about to make an appearance, which i have been awaiting for months, and that will feel really really good.

next week will bring boredom and work and exercise and routine.

i am kind of looking forward to that a bit as well. 

whatever, summer is cool.

i feel like everyone is wrong about everything lately. it annoys me. thats why i have stopped giving advice and am trying my darnest to stop accidently asking for it. no one listens, no one knows what they want or what they are doing, and no one really cares about anything or anyone but themselves and their petty little experiences.

i am a bitch.

one minute

turns into two and so on. the recurrence relation is defined by the non recursive formula of life(at any given moment) = minutes factorial divided by everything that came before and multiplied by the constant of tomorrow.

near constant. near perfect. eventually, i suppose it has to end.
i have been studying too much. the final final is in a few hours, and i am ready. the others have already been divided out. the quotient is appearing to be a 4.0, but that is something that was once exciting and is now merely expected ( no pressure or anything...). i am excited to be done. to have a summer full of four hour work days and weekends open for travel and adventure and friends. unlike most of the people in my life, i am not on any mission to seduce or mystify. i am just excited for the chance to live my own life, not one ruled by the math department and the office and kent state.

things i want to do:

read
go to the movies
watch movies ( alex and kyle have alredy made promises)
buy a new computer ( unlikely)
learn c++
visit all of the kids ( specifically : CAROL, ashanti, cali, wendy, david, kathy, matt)
drink ALOT ( 21 in 5 days!)
rock the summer classes ( not starting till july 20th, so thats good)
memorize crucial sums ( cause i'm cool like dat)
paint
get a tan (unlikely)
get into shape (more likely than the former)
write some ditties
........quit smoking ( haha, i dont know why i even bother to put this down, but i would LIKE to accomplish this)
hang with the fam
go rockclimbing

... and stuff.

yeah.

math 47011 Sample Exam Solutions

i am going to start going for things. 

its stupid to sit frozen by embarrassment or fear or just plain laziness.

sadly, i am an insecure, cowardly, and very very unmotivated person. 

but here is to adjusting all of that.

oh, and

its may! finally. and i can't stop listening to judas priest.

stranger things have happened.

no experience required.

i cleaned out my car and discovered 12 long lost lighters, including my neon green one with the scorpion. too much has happened lately, no one is around for me to tell. too much is happening to the people that are not around as well, and i am not around to hear.  its as if everyone i love is contained in a clear vacuum and we can see each other and wave and let each other know if we are happy or sad with extreme exaggerations of smiles or tears, but we cannot sit and hold each other's hands and say it will be fine, that life goes on, it plummets forward, and the sky continues its daily changes and that the laughter will come back. 

'fucking sucks' is the appropriate term.

received your letter! attempting to fix my car! finals in a week! can't wait to visit! i feel fat!

brad sent a weird text! a new strange person might be in love with me! etc!

shouts concealing murmurs.

i will put it in a letter, i promise.

butttt... I CLEANED MY CAR!