our lives are fractions of a whole

i believe that i have just realized that i am midspin here. from several years ago, i have rotated approximately 175 degrees. i am happy, i have (for the most part) let things slip out of mind/memory/consciousness, school is going along as it should. yet, lately, i am growing more and more concerned at the thought of rotating further and, perhaps, completing a full circle. i know that place isn't the same as when i left ( in tears, shamefully and cowardly), and i will not return to that state of mind as the 17 or so year old that i was. but i am both afraid of and looking forward to the impulses and ideas  that are slowly being taken out of storage in my brain, dusted off and on display somewhere in the back. eventually, there will be illumination and concentration and i know that i will most likely spiral in that direction. hopefully, the timing will be correct. i worry about the transient nature of  stability, and then i worry about why i worry about stability, since it has never really been a true concern. i kind of miss being a little fucked up, occasionally. i always remember that its a part of me, and that i have grown ( by some miraculous action of the universe) into an individual who  can,  for the most part, handle and understand themselves. but things have a tendency of turning around, and there are always consequences. maybe those are what freak me out. too many close calls and bad calls. i am glad to have had  them, but it would feel beautiful to feel beautiful and free. i miss that shimmering irreverence.

i am slightly drunk, still.