annnnnnd i'm back.

after months of snow boots, wind induced tears and rain soaked hoodies, it has finally arrived: the most summer like of springs. and, oh course, us kent kids cannot handle the first day of warmth.

yesterday was spectacular. a beautiful day full of walks and water and barbecue and music and climbing trees.then a night of beer and watching the kids on college street gather around in a spartan way and sacrifice whatever they could find ( furniture, branches, cups) into a fire that engulfed the street. 

it was a scene out of a movie. then the phone calls and instant alerts. my mother was worried to tears and our president was apparently disappointed at the fact that helicopters and police from every surrounding city had to be summoned.

but hey, we're finally awake.

blank.

deactivated facebook, because hopefully i can manage to have friends without it.

got some A's this week, but another B. ah, well. should fare alright in the end. 

now i am going to do my laundry, clean my room and finish my homework.

no sleep, alcohol, or other enjoyable activities to come over the next few weeks.

i am tired of people making assumptions about me. 

so tired of it that i am too tired to correct them.

i think this is the actual definition of self-fulfilling prophecy.

other thoughts:

house is a good show.

caryn passed her review! i knew she would and i am very proud and excited.

i dropped my education classes, because i don't need to be taught child management skills or how to make an effective power point. also, i want options and continually evolving brain connections.

allergies, suddenly.

lack of motivation, positive perception, or empathy.

i don't feel like myself, but it's around that time of year.

annoying:

spoiled passive-aggressive attention seeking compulsive liars who refuse to buy their own cigarettes.

and no one sees it.

but i digress ( and regression is futile).

today was average, tomorrow might be better. pondered the dissonance and/or combinations that would occur if you graphed the blinks of one turn signal vs. another. sometimes they match, sometimes they don't... very interesting. the light was red for a while.

people are disgusting me lately. my trust is waning, and so quickly. i have more than i need, i know. but it makes me sad that disappointment is SUCH a constant.

it's sunny right at this moment, though. finally.

i am discouraged,

but plowing ahead, i guess.

burger king to soothe the soul.

this is not what i wanted to post.

i wrote a blog about the eeriest thing, but it wouldn't let me post it and the inspiration has slipped.

just recall the siren, and the silence among all that chaos, and the flashing lights in the foreground of the blandest of skies.

this week was ridiculous. less than a month to go.

one of my professors brought a tiny little kitten to class today. he found her while he was driving, squealing on the side of the road next to the roadkill that was once her mommy. so tiny and precious. we touched nose and she purred. first week in the world, i wish i could remember.

head overflowing

and i was rushing, just an in and out sort of thing. grab a coat to shield from the rain, maybe an apple, maybe finish that cigarette, what the hell IS the power set of a power set of a power set of the nullset, did i leave my window down, that sort of thing and then, through the door, and utter calm.

hello ashanti!

it's nice, so many surprises this little holiday brought. i would have never thought.

easter.

everyone is off at church or work or hunting for eggs (sam), or what have you.

i am alone on the couch, contemplating the past few days and severely fucking up my homework.

cigarette.

i wonder which aspects of my life would be different if my family was into holidays, or church, or anything other than the common thread of parties. we are all social, but not really amongst one another, and we are all caring, but never on the days that society tells us we are supposed to be. i like that aspect of my family now. we love and have fun at our own leisure. i did not like it when i was younger and constantly attending other people's family functions, with the huge dinner parties and eighth uncles twice removed laughing heartily with some cousin or another. seemed nice, still does. makes me want to be a part of a large family when i am married and what not, if that is in store for me.

meg and i spoke of this, recently. she called, we chatted. it had been a while. she is no longer pursuing becoming a doctor because she wants time to settle and love and live ( at least, thats what i got out of her words). i suppose this is a large aspect of why i am into this whole teaching thing, but i expressed my fear of finding myself somewhere i don't want to be, wishing i was doing something else.  because i don't know what my life is supposed to be about ( but who does, right?) or how i am supposed to live it. living with caryn and sam makes me ache a little sometimes, because i am absolutely jealous of the fact that they have something creative to do daily. i understand growing tired of it, of course, but i miss that part of my life. maybe i am supposed to be a city somewhere, doing something ridiculous.  i have expressed this often,  so i guess none of this is anything new. 

but then there is music. its not a relation thing for me, not ever. mostly because i find relativity in too many things, and they are often just intricate twists of mind, so i have stopped trusting myself to make the proper connection. but the right sound, it soothes me. hangs my brain out to air out, so to say. alot of the things that i enjoy involve that particular feeling. like being around kyle and brett, who just make me laugh and  feel astonishingly clear-minded and happy.  of course, we have a real connection, and we can discuss reality, but i love them dearly for the fact that they make my reality healthier and stronger.

speaking of brett ( and while i am rambling), he makes me sad. he is doing so well, and yet has all of this unnecessary pressure. and i can't relate, or offer advice or say anything of relevance, really. makes me feel shitty to leave him so alone in his head. i wish that he could see what kyle has gone through in the past couple of months as a direct result of his release from a relationship with an amazing blonde person. all of his tales and adventures and little rendezvous that have occurred over the past few months began essentially post-breakup. i don't know if he noted it, but i did, and i grinned from ear to ear. nice to see someone, especially kyle, plow full speed ahead.

speaking of which ( and continuing this ramble), i am in need of some movement as well. the clay chapter has gently and surely come to a complete halt, finally, as of this weekend. it's nice to have no harsh feeling OR physical desire ( which probably came from the fact that there were never really either harsh or passionate feelings). i would love to be there for him, but seeing him through non-romantic, platonic eyes revealed that he has become a far colder and shut off individual, and that's heartbreaking. maybe it's the drugs, or his family stuff, or whatever. but he seems impenetrable, and i think that i have finally accepted that none of that is in any way my fault.

cigarette.

i have no motivation, but many things to do.

glad i got all of this out.

our lives are fractions of a whole

i believe that i have just realized that i am midspin here. from several years ago, i have rotated approximately 175 degrees. i am happy, i have (for the most part) let things slip out of mind/memory/consciousness, school is going along as it should. yet, lately, i am growing more and more concerned at the thought of rotating further and, perhaps, completing a full circle. i know that place isn't the same as when i left ( in tears, shamefully and cowardly), and i will not return to that state of mind as the 17 or so year old that i was. but i am both afraid of and looking forward to the impulses and ideas  that are slowly being taken out of storage in my brain, dusted off and on display somewhere in the back. eventually, there will be illumination and concentration and i know that i will most likely spiral in that direction. hopefully, the timing will be correct. i worry about the transient nature of  stability, and then i worry about why i worry about stability, since it has never really been a true concern. i kind of miss being a little fucked up, occasionally. i always remember that its a part of me, and that i have grown ( by some miraculous action of the universe) into an individual who  can,  for the most part, handle and understand themselves. but things have a tendency of turning around, and there are always consequences. maybe those are what freak me out. too many close calls and bad calls. i am glad to have had  them, but it would feel beautiful to feel beautiful and free. i miss that shimmering irreverence.

i am slightly drunk, still.

a list of things

- quit smoking ( QUIT!)

- exercise more

- eat less meat ( addict. blame the russian genes.)

- eat breakfast ( cereal disgusts me. so does yogurt. and milk.)

- sleep regularly ( the constant struggle)

- draw

- find healthy destressors ( my current ones are either slightly illegal or morally corrupt)

- save more money

-               relax.

'easter is the new christmas'

"Like you,  I'm sane and live at the edge of things,

Countryside flooded with light,

Sundown,

the chaos of future mornings just over the ridge, but not here yet."

beautiful words while my two beautiful roommates are asleep on the couches. 

caryn, in her usual  manner, curled up so tiny and compact, hair fanned everyplace (for once), lost in pink sheets. sam is snoring. other than that, and the clinking of my keyboard, its quiet and dark and kind of mysterious. well, as mysterious and quiet as trailers off main have capacity for.

no one has made me laugh in a long time ( well... days, maybe). my face is sad about this.

but there is snow! which is cold and wet and awful, but so perfect for  cigarette beneath(e) a precipice, no? i secretly love it. and cs lab. shh.

akron art

marvelous venture.

i forget too often how beautiful things get me going. we went for a photo exhibit, but i snuck in a few moments of drooling over some gloriously applied paint. mmm.

and more records, because i have an addiction.

other things i am addicted to:

nicotine, caffeine free clear soda, caffeine.

paradoxical, that bit.

op, someone is at the door.

a parting gift:

You don't have to yell. It's not a train station. We're in a tiny car.

cute, utterly unrealistic little adventure through the fantasies of every teenager who is in the middle. with good taste.

deserves a shrug and a grin, at least.

i am kind of past the point of no return, currently, so i suppose it will be another, what, 20 or so hours before i collapse. so, i shall employ this time usually reserved for drool and/or drunken coma to commemorate some feelings/events. mostly for carol, because she is the only one who reads this ( hi!).

today i convinced (drunk) becca that sam's last name is kilbounty.

people have misunderstood me in the worst of ways lately because i can't formulate proper verbal expression of my thought. it has been years! and no cigar.

i got a b on a test. first one since high school, way to go jack.

we have a place to live! i might have already mentioned that.

my brother wants to go sky diving for his birthday, so that's the plan. if i die, you can have everything. give kyle the records and ashanti my soccer ball, though.

i have bangs again!

the roommates are acting strange, i feel stuck in the middle (no good).

i saw a mule today. it looked like a goat horse mutant.

OH, and a BROWN COW! i thought of you, waved.

i guess that's it.

mornin'

mad hauling

everyone might be all over, in places far more brimming with life, but caryn and i took a drive and we discovered a beautiful secret, somewhere down there, past 59, along 5 ( who knew such a thing even existed), and we smoked some cigarettes and listened to the songs that played in our periods of incubation, the time spent in wombs of our own creation, the times when we found friends and emotion and lost, lost so many times, to the gyrations of the world. and, yes, it was as run-on and melodramatic as that statement, but now there is calm. at least for me. eventually for her, i hope.

we found a beach in paris, ohio.
stood out on edge, inhaled each other's second hand smoke, and drove back to the trailer park.

wouldn't trade it.

second thought side note: the aristocrats, quite funny; palindrome, ridiculous.

babies!

everyplace! three new lives in the lives of people i enjoy, just in the past week. intense, for sure, but everyone seems very joyful and excited for the future.

watched the bridge last night, perhaps that has placed a bit of a damper on my overall outlook. the golden gate is so beautiful and vibrant; such a grand contrast to the calm, blue depths below. and then there is the fog. stunning. i couldn't image ending my life in such a paradoxical and pretty place. it doesn't seem correct.

its raining, carol is gone. school is getting heated, and i couldn't be less inspired.
i can't remember the last time i've felt this depressed.
maybe that's not the right word. underwhelmed?

april showers.

i swung the hammer

but then i blinked and, oh boy, did i miss.
my (metaphorical?) hands are swollen and tired and all sorts of smashed.

i yearn to do something creative and interesting.
everyday is this cyclic journey from stress to boredom, and the lack of motivation is beginning to show its make-up free and air dried, morning-after face.

i am very sure about that comma splice, but i don't know how to make it right.

some good things happened today, though!
carol has taken off on her journey, and sam/cali are also journeying out in a couple of hours (we travel only by the light of the moon) for the same place because cali got an internship and she gets to design furniture and live in new york city for a bit.

i don't know why my friends are so fucking cool and/or why they insist on not being here, on the floor of my trailer, watching me fall asleep.

i need to meet eyes that understand mine and can read them without me having to say/do anything. that would definitely relieve the stress of living up to whatever standards people tend to project onto others, but more importantly, themselves. i have become hyperaware of people's opinion of me lately. i have been circumnavigating my ship around the drama of being involved and i can literally feel myself becoming an outsider. i don't mind.

something gloomy is pressing me, and i can't crack it.

however, tina fey's twitter: awesome/hilarious.

that was more words than i've had in a long time.
the upside of the downside! (the middle?)

but that's enough. i am april's fool.